The Cure
by Beth6787
Summary: An add on to the season 5 episode "The Disease". Kathryn Janeway asks herself some difficult questions...


Beth6787

5 January y

The Cure

An add on to the season 5 episode "The Disease". Kathryn Janeway asked herself some difficult questions...

The Varro fleet and it's breakaway contingent were finally out of communications range. Out of sight and , hopefully, soon out of mind too. Though she doubted that as far as two of her family were concerned : Harry and - of course - herself.

Another night without sleep, pacing her living quarters until she had, almost literally, worn the carpeting threadbare. And she only had herself to blame. She knew the cause full well. Guilt.

Unassuagable guilt. For placing that reprimand on Harry's file. For tearing shreds off him for speaking the truth to her...hitting far too close to home. For her sheer hypocrisy...had she sought the Doctor's clearance to kiss Kashyk? Of course not! One rule for her and another for everyone else...and there in lay the crux of the matter.

Of all her Bridge Officers Harry was the one she had tried to mould in her own image. Fresh out of the academy and eager to impress his new Captain. In awe of the fact that he had been assigned to a prototype vessel for her inaugural 'shake down' mission. Desperate to prove his worth to stand on that Bridge, heading up Ops with the Alpha shift command team. And he had. For five long years now he had followed her every command to the letter. Shown initiative time and again, and saved all their lives after her foolhardy and disastrous decision to jump the gun with the slipstream drive. ... The truth was that quiet, dependable, Harry Kim was often her port in a storm. He could be relied on to do the 'right' thing in any given situation.

And when he had fallen in love, for Harry, the right thing was to reject protocol. Rules and regulations : and to instead follow his heart. There it was. What had caused her to fly off the handle (yet again). He had the courage to do what she had been yearning for but always her nerve failed her... So she had decided to put an end to it. Because she was terrified that if Derran Tal joined them on Voyager and she and Harry made a success of their relationship...her hollow excuses for persisting with her own parameters would be shown up for what they were...a ridiculous smokescreen.

The worst of it was that Chakotay had not been fooled for a minute. He had seen straight through her actions and challenged her. His exact words - that a formal reprimand was a little extreme for a simple romantic interlude with a young, single woman - had hit their mark. She had no really valid reason to insist that it remain on Harry's record. Just a terror of conceding she had gone too far, to Chakotay, and having to retract. The moment she conceded then ... suffice to say she could not have handled the discussion reflecting back on them.

Of course, she knew she was in the wrong and would not get a moment's rest until she corrected what she could. So, an hour ago, she had erased that reprimand. Chakotay was not due to perform the next round of crew evaluations for another four months. Of course, when he came to Harry, he would notice the redaction. And know it had to have been her. A belated peace offering and with luck, by then, all water under the bridge. Perhaps Harry would have even struck up a friendship with one of the Delaney twins, she had heard rumours that Megan was keen on him...

With time, Harry may even forgive her. But could she forgive herself...and would Chakotay truly forget or just add this incident to the ever growing pile of topics to be avoided with her? He had been unusually cool and formal these last few days and she could not blame him. What a mess you are Kathryn! she berated herself.

No point in pacing around here. If I'm going to expend all this energy I may as well do something constructive. With that she decided to head for her Ready Room and grab B'Elanna's latest update on the hull repairs. They had been running the structural integrity field at 105% of it's optimal output capacity ever since the dissidents' virus had significantly compromised the hull plating. Perhaps there was some way to reduce the load...

—-

Thirty minutes later she had devised a plan : of sorts. It would involve a space walk to the section of the hull where the virus had first attacked. She needed a sample to test, from where the damage was most extreme. If she exited the ship at airlock forty five on Deck twelve then she should be in and out within twenty minutes. Of course she should notify the Bridge, which in turn would involve notifying a senior officer...in other words, waking Chakotay...Nope. She would override the security lock outs and ensure that the Bridge sensors did not pick up the unauthorised activation of the airlock doors. Voyager was stationery and would remain so until all the duranium plating had been re-surfaced. A couple more days at least, with Engineering and Operations working around the clock.

She was soon kitted up and looking forward to the challenge. It must be almost a decade since she had carried out such an operation with a ship in deep space. Of course, there were the holodeck simulations, drills that all officers and senior crewmen were required to undertake annually. But it was not the same. Holodeck safety protocols ensured that any mistakes resulted in no real damage being done. Out there...she would have to have her wits about her. The perfect antidote to all this introspection.

—-

It was bitterly cold although her spacesuit heater was at full power. She could barely feel her hands. And it had taken far longer to reach her target site than she had thought. Although Voyager was stationery there was still considerable turbulence locally caused by the interaction of the structural integrity field with the dark energy of the surrounding cosmos. It had a similar effect to a repulsive magnetic field which gave the sensation of crawling through a viscous fluid, like treacle, rather than moving through a vacuum. She was exhausted before she had even begun. She grappled with her tool bag and eventually managed to latch onto the specimen container. Ten minutes later she had enough scrapings of viral remains and disintegrated duranium plating for her lab tests. As she turned to start the crawl back she lost hold of her sample. Just as she leaned away from Voyager to try and catch hold of it the ship's impulse engines engaged.

—-

Joe Carey was watching the readouts carefully. So far so good. He had promised Lieutenant Torres that he would have the structural integrity field stable enough to be able to travel at impulse with only a ninety percent power drain by the end of the night shift. Quite some challenge but he thought he had it. A five minute run of the impulse engines would give him enough data to be sure. Torres may be the Chief Engineer but he was damned if he was always going to play second fiddle. After all he had completed the full four years at the Academy and that had to count for something. Even out here.

Six minutes later and engines powered down he ran through the data. That was odd, there was a distortion in the field polarity around airlock 45... He checked the log. No one had activated that airlock for twenty two days, still perhaps the seal was faulty. Whatever the cause it was increasing the power drain on the structural integrity field. Only by a couple of percentage points but enough to miss the target Torres had challenged him to reach. There were still a couple of hours until morning shift came on. Easily time to change that seal and make the target. He called out to Vorik to take over and headed out to the stores for the parts he would need.

—-

Kathryn had felt the jolt and it had caught her tether line. There was no time to react, she was forcibly thrown out into space as far as the line would take her before it went taught at whipped her back towards the hull. She braced herself to try and place her feet against the plating and grab the access handle for the airlock door but the distortion in the field caused her to start spinning. The next thing she was aware of was the plating rapidly approaching from above then a loud clang and...blackness engulfed her.

—

Joe arrived at the inner airlock door ten minutes later. He punched in the code to access the airlock transfer chamber and ...nothing. That was odd. He checked the door access file and found a deleted entry just over an hour ago. Someone had been tampering with the airlock controls. But why? Then he looked through the small observation window and saw it. A tether line was missing. That could mean only one thing, someone was outside. He punched through an emergency message to the Bridge. Ensign Harry Kim was in command of the night shift and could not believe what he was hearing. All he could think was that he had authorised engaging the impulse engines for Carey's test. How could he have missed that someone was doing a space walk? There was nothing scheduled and, on checking the airlock access log, nothing recorded for over three weeks. Perhaps they still had a Varron intruder? Someone was either attempting to break out of or into Voyager. He hated to have to concede that he was out of his depth. Particularly now, when the Commander had been reluctant to allow him back on full duty until all traces of the bond with Tal were confirmed to have dissipated by the Doc. But this time he needed to follow protocol. And the only other alternative was to wake the Captain. Considering the state of their relationship at the moment the last thing he needed was another black mark against his name. "Kim to Commander Chakotay. You are needed on the Bridge, urgently. Suspected intruder detected in the vicinity of airlock forty five."

"This is Chakotay. I'm on my way. Alert Commander Tuvok to have a security detail meet me at the airlock in five minutes. Chakotay out."

—

As he scrambled to get dressed he wondered just what else would hit them. Hadn't they all been through the ringer enough these last few weeks? He was very much hoping that this turned out to be nothing. Perhaps someone from Engineering had been careless with replacing the equipment or downloading the maintenance logs. They had had a fraught few days trying to repair the extensive damage done to their hull by Derran Tal and her dissident Varro accomplices. Initially he had felt sorry for Harry. The Captain's reprimand had seemed overly harsh for acting on a simple romantic attachment. Then the full story had emerged and they were all living with the consequences. He had come to the conclusion that, harsh though it seemed, Kathryn had been right. He would speak to her in the morning, once handover was complete and she had headed off for her Ready Room. He owed her an apology...

—

Chakotay arrived at the airlock to find he had to push through a crowd of security and engineering staff. The airlock inner door was ajar and there was someone in a spacesuit on the floor still attached to a frayed tether line. Before he had a chance to investigate further the Doctor materialised along with a stretcher. He watched as the Doc scanned the body then approached him. "Commander, could you clear the area? I need to attend to my patient." He was about to object when the Doc whispered "It's the Captain."

Chakotay did not know what to think but he did not want it to be public knowledge just yet. He instructed Tuvok to clear the area and seal the airlock and surrounding bulkhead doors until further notice. Tuvok seemed to intuit what was happening because he immediately complied without asking any questions.

Once the area was cleared Chakotay came and knelt beside the stretcher. The Doctor had removed Kathryn's helmet and he could see the swelling to left side of her face and it was obvious that her skull had been fractured. He forced himself to meet the Doctor's eye "Is she...?..."

"No Commander. She is alive although for how much longer... Please I need to get my patient into a stasis field in sickbay immediately. I will notify you as soon as I have made a full evaluation of her condition." The Doctor could see the colour draining from Chakotay's face "Try not to fret. I'll do all that I can. The impact injury is very recent therefore I'm optimistic..."

Chakotay found himself nodding to thin air as the Doctor and what was left of Kathryn beamed away.

—-

Chakotay was on the Bridge having relieved a very distressed Harry Kim. He had had to notify Alpha shift as to the identity of the 'intruder' at airlock forty five and of the subsequent security restrictions in that area. As soon as he had word from the Doctor he would convene a full senior staff meeting. In the meantime he needed to try and determine why the Captain had masked her exit from the ship and why she was out there in the first place. He handed the Bridge over to Tuvok and headed for the Ready Room. As acting Captain in Kathryn's 'absence' full command authorisations passed to him. So technically it was - he hoped to God only on a temporary basis - his office for now. If there were any answers to be found, it was likely amongst her recent files. He hated the invasion of privacy but... besides, he needed a distraction. He would go crazy waiting for news ...

—-

Harry sat in his quarters feeling numb. How had this happened on his watch? Was it his fault? In all the years they had served together he had never openly defied her before. She had come to see him, once Tal and the rest of the Varro had finally departed, offered an olive branch. He had pointed out that he was a lot older and wiser than when he had embarked at Deep Space 9 five years ago. But was he? Older : definitely. But...wiser? He had not seen Tal's hidden agenda or that she would be capable of sabotage to force her will on the bulk of her people. The synthetic virus her cohort of rebels had released had seriously compromised structural integrity not just on their Varro ship but on Voyager too. Had Captain Janeway not taken drastic measures to contain the situation and organise the evacuation then many lives, both Varro and theirs, could have been lost. He had let his infatuation for her blind him. The Captain had seen this and knew the eventual cost he would have to pay. But she was paying it too, wasn't she?

At last, Harry truly understood the reasons for those draconian protocols about fraternisation with colleagues. Those parameters and the resultant barriers were there for a reason. A vital one. Ultimately, to keep a crew alive and safe. And what had he done. Thrown it all back in her face. Taunting her. Asking "have you ever been in love Captain?" But he already knew the answer, along with every senior member of the crew. She was in love. In the here and now, yet could not act on it. Because to do so would endanger them all. ...

Had she still been hurting at his words last night. When she went outside without following protocol, or even basic procedures such as notifying the Bridge. Was it that she did not want to speak to him? Had Tuvok or Chakotay been in command would she have stayed inside. Or taken an assistant with her. ...was she even alive now? When he had left the Bridge there had still been no word from sickbay. He had not heard anything since, but then again, he was supposed to be sleeping. Sleep ! Huh, what a joke!

He couldn't take it anymore. He was going down to sickbay, just to see whether there was any news. Maybe sit with her a while if... he dared not finish the thought as he raced out of his quarters.

—-

The Doctor gave one final perusal to his patient and the monitors. She was as stable as he could make her at this time. The excess fluid had been drained from her cranium and the fragments of helmet extracted from her brain before her skull had been fused back together. The ossical and dermal regenerators had covered all the obvious physical repairs. Her blood biochemistry was finely balanced, the bio-bed adjusting her homeostatic parameters as and when necessary. She was in a medically induced coma to ensure that she did not wake until the neurotransmitter and capillary status of her brain were within the outer margins of normal range. She was still some way off yet.

He looked up as the doors to sickbay opened and Harry Kim entered. "How is she Doctor?" He barely managed to get out. The Doctor knew that Harry had been in command last night when the impulse engines had been engaged and it was obvious the young man was blaming himself for the Captain's predicament.

He smiled kindly at Harry. "She stable Ensign and not in any pain. It will be a couple of days or so before I can risk bringing her out of the medically induced coma, it I am hoping she will make a full recovery ...in time. You may sit with her for a while if you like. I am about to write up my report then attend the senior staff briefing. I will let Acting Captain Chakotay know that you are here and I have excused you from the meeting."

Harry thanked the Doc and pulled up a seat next to the Captain's bed. As soon as the Doctor left for the meeting he started to talk to her. "Captain, I don't know whether you can hear me. I suppose not but I need to talk to you anyway. ..." he got up and grabbed a glass of water, taking a long sip before continuing " Firstly, I need you to know how sorry I am. About everything. Tal and...most of all hurting you so much. I never should have said what I did. I know that you know what love is. You have to resist it every day out here. Sitting only inches apart from him. And you don't have the escape route I had with Tal. For you, this pain will not fade away, will it..." he watched her immobile body. Just the faintest of flickers underneath her eye lids. Probably a reaction to all the fluids being pumped into and drained from her body. On an impulse he took hold of her left hand, the other one being bound to the bed with three cannula entering various veins. "Please come back to us. I promise you I will never challenge you or hurt you again. You were right all along and I should have been old enough and wise enough to realise it at the time. And Captain...I know he loves you too. Just as much. You should have seen him this morning when he came to the Bridge to relieve me of duty... barely more alive than you are now...Please...just come back to us...and soon."

He sat watching her for a few minutes longer then became aware of his Comm badge chirping. "Harry it's Tom. The senior staff meeting has just finished. Chakotay is on his way down to sickbay with the Doctor. He's not doing well so it's probably best if you leave before he gets there." Harry didn't need to be told twice. He squeezed Kathryn's hand before beaming back to his quarters.

—-

It hit him like the proverbial tonne of bricks as he walked through the door and up to her bio-bed. The Doctor had warned him what to expect. His clinical report had been very thorough and then Chakotay had had to impart the jist of it to the senior staff before the meeting got underway in earnest. With the Captain incapacitated for what was looking like a considerable period, duties had had to be re-shuffled. He would take over Kathryn's workload and Tuvok would take on the role of First Officer. Tuvok's role would be split between his number two in security, Mike Ayala and Ops. Which, of course, should be Harry. He was struggling with that decision. Normally Harry was one hundred percent reliable, it was his buddy Paris who had often gave cause for concern. But now? Firstly Harry had flown off the handle at his Captain and hurt Kathryn emotionally then this...Perhaps he was still under the influence of that Varro woman Tal to a greater extent than he had thought. Damn it Chakotay, why did you leave Harry in command last night? Against your better judgement? Ultimately the responsibility was his : he knew. Hadn't he pleaded with Kathryn to be lenient with Harry and when she had persisted with the formal reprimand, how had he responded? By giving her the cold shoulder. So she had avoided him and gone off on one of her solo escapades last night that had very nearly cost her her life. It still may do. The Doctor was confident he had repaired the physical damage to her body but her mind...only time would tell.

Then there was the modification to Harry's file she had made last night just before she entered that airlock. Deleting the formal reprimand. Although she had been fully in her rights she had taken pity on Harry and made a peace offering to him too. Yet neither of them deserved it. Who had taken pity on her or cared enough to make their peace? He and Harry had been nursing their wounds whilst Kathryn. ...with that he started to shake.

Suddenly he felt an arm around his shoulder and looked up to see the Doctor and Tom Paris was in the background adjusting one of the intravenous drips attached to Kathryn's chest. "Why don't you sit down here with her for a while Captain?" the Doctor said kindly. Chakotay looked up at him "I have no intention of leaving her side barring a life and death emergency on the Bridge. But Doctor, it's Commander or just plain Chakotay. I won't answer to the title Captain...not whilst there is still one iota of hope..."

"Commander it is: out there" said the Doctor pointing to the sickbay doors. "In here, we are all on first name basis until further notice" as he looked at his real Captain and friend lying alongside them.

With that he glanced towards Tom who had just finished up. "Mr. Paris, perhaps you can assist me with the inventory review in the medical store room." For once there was no prevarication and Paris was already out of the door, PADD in hand. "You know where I am if you need me or there is any change." Chakotay nodded his thanks and went to sit by his soul mate.

"Oh Kathryn, what have I done? You were right all along and I should have supported you. We both know why Harry and Tal could never be and why... He will recover in time. In fact I think he is a long way down that road already. As for me...my pain is but a small price to pay, and I pay it gladly. Not being allowed to be together in that sense...is nothing in the grand scheme of things. We touch every day. A light hand on my shoulder or pressed against my heart. Your smile and the twinkle in your eyes. These I have been blessed with for the past five years and I would gladly give up anything and everything I have to experience them once again. And I know I speak for Harry too. And everyone on this ship. You are the heart and soul of our family out here and we all love you. More than you'll ever know. But believe me, when you wake up I am going to make it my personal mission to ensure you have a reminder every day for the rest of this Voyage. I love you so very much ..." he bent and stroked her hair away from her forehead and kissed it lightly.

Her eyes fluttered a little under her eyelids but otherwise she did not move a muscle. He sat with her for another hour or so until the Doctor returned and relieved him of duty, insisting he spend the next ten hours resting in his quarters. Before he did he made a detour to Engineering to have a word with his second best female friend, one fiercely loyal and gifted chief engineer.

—

Kathryn was aware of voices, tuning in and out. Footsteps. Her body felt cold and...wet? ...she couldn't move her arms or legs and she couldn't seem to open her eyes either. Where was she? What was happening. Images started to form in her mind. She was in a spacesuit. Outside the ship...why? Then a sensation of whiplash, being pulled hard around her middle. Spinning then hitting her head... Her head. It hurt. She felt nauseous but couldn't call for help. Then Harry's voice. He was pleading with her to ?...get better. Was she in sickbay. That would make sense. Harry...did he just tell her he loved her?...Then, yes that was the Doctor's voice in the background talking to...Chakotay? Yes, Chakotay. He was near her now and her hearing was getting clearer. Her mind sharpening, despite the pain. She heard Chakotay sit down and every word he said. Then felt his hand on her forehead followed by the gentle brushing of his lips.

If only she could reach out to him. Even open her eyes. Anything to take his pain and guilt away. No. Neither he nor Harry was to blame. What were they guilty of...falling in love? Seven had told Harry that love was a disease then qualified that later by conceding that it was a disease that had it's virtues. When she was well again, she had a lot to rectify. Starting with those damn parameters that had nearly cost her everything worth having. Yet again...

—

Twelve days later...

Kathryn gingerly sat up for the first time. The last of the intravenous lines had been removed a couple of days ago and so, at last, had the catheter. Once she could use her atrophied leg muscles she should be able to stand and stagger to the bathroom. With that accomplished she intended to return to her quarters. The Doctor could make as many house calls as he wished but she did not want to spend another minute in that sickbay bio-bed.

The Doctor helped her up and she managed to make it to the bathroom, pointedly letting him know she would take it from there. It took her over an hour to wash and change into her own nightwear and dressing gown. But she had managed unaided. As she emerged the Doctor could see that resistance would, indeed, be futile as his young protege would tell him. "I'll arrange a site to site transport to your quarters and then settle you in. I insist on checking on you hourly. That's the deal. Take it or stay here."

She quirked her mouth at him. "Fair enough Doctor. I'm not in a fit state to argue...just yet..."

"But as soon as you are I'll be the first to know !" He quipped back. "I very much look forward to the day"

"Oh it won't take me that long Doctor I assure you." she smiled wryly at him and took his pro-offered arm as they beamed out.

—

She looked around her and had to do a double take. She hardly recognised her quarters. There were gifts from everyone. Tom had created a holographic picture wall with scenes of the Indiana landscape. B'Elanna had added a jacuzzi feature to her bath tub, complete with a hoist platform to make it easy for her to get in and out. She recognised the soothing background music. One of Harry's compositions. And Neelix had raided the hydroponics bay and decorated with vases of flowers on all the tables. The Doctor helped her over to her bed where she discovered a book of Vulcan poetry on her nightstand.

"I'll leave you to rest now Captain. Be sure to call me if you need anything."

"I'll be fine Doctor. And thank you. All of you for this..." she swept her hand around the rooms.

"No more than you deserve. We all wanted you to know how much we care."

Before she had a chance to focus her mind to reply he had beamed back to sickbay. She laid back against the pillows and reached for the solitary mug of decaf coffee the Doctor allowed her for today. Then she saw it. A beautifully carved wooden box with a gecko inlaid on the lid. Chakotay, reminding her of her animal guide. Inside was a note and necklace with a hand carved pendant with the gecko being carried on the back of a wolf. Chakotay's spirit guide. On the back of the pendant was a very simple but also infinitely complex message "Our Cure."

THE END

14 of 14 14


End file.
